You'll Never Know
by Bellan1
Summary: Ginny is struggling with her depression and Hermione is trying to help. What will happen as the two get closer? Femslash, trigger warning: rated for themes of depression and cutting
1. Prologue

You don't understand. No matter what I tell you, how much you see, how many people you know or talk to, you will never truly know what I am going through. That is, not until you experience it first-hand. It's always changing and there are no words for what it is I feel. I feel blank like my head is completely empty. At the same time there is this feeling trying to intrude into the emptiness. This feeling is frustration, sadness, paranoia, doubt, and something that could never be described. It makes me want to shoot something or hit something to get the frustration out. It makes me want to cut in order to feel that euphoria if only for a minute. It makes me want to do absolutely nothing in case I mess up and get into trouble. It makes me wary of my only friendship because what if they are only using me and when they drop me I know I won't be able to handle it. But the hardest part of all is that it makes me want to cry; yet I can't, in fear that I will truly break down and end it once and for all.


	2. Chapter 1: The Discovery

**Author's Note: I do not own anything Harry Potter related mentioned in this story nor anything else that may seem familiar**

It all started before Ginny's third year at Hogwarts. The feelings and thoughts slowly trickled into her mind over the summer, slowly consuming her. It was unnerving to say the least. Why was she having these depressing feelings when she had such a good life, excluding the events of her first year that is. Not knowing what to do she ignored the feelings trying to act her normal cheery self, playing quidditch in the yard, helping Fred and George with their pranks on Ron, swimming at the pond, and helping Mrs. Weasley around the house.

However, this all changed when one day when all the other family members were out of the house. The feelings were consuming Ginny and she had nothing to distract her from them. Remembering this thing called cutting she heard one of her muggle born roommates talking about she decided to investigate. If she remembered correctly one of the muggle borns friend would cut themselves to release some of the pain they felt. Not wanting to actually hurt herself but just wanting to feel a little better Ginny took her pocket knife out of her dresser drawer and sat on her bed. Opening the knife up she gently pressed it to her left index finger, not enough to draw blood but enough to cause a bit of pain. However, instead of feeling the tiny prick of pain Ginny felt a feeling of euphoria consume her. The feeling soon passed lasting maybe only a minute.

Coming down from the high Ginny quickly put the knife away worried somebody would come home and catch her. Sitting back on her bed she contemplated what this new discovery meant. She finally had a way to escape from the overwhelming feelings of depression that consumed her every day. The only problem being that the euphoric feeling did not last long although the intense feelings were still dimmed. Deciding to leave the situation alone for a while Ginny grabbed a book and headed down to the pond while waiting for her brothers to come home.


	3. Journal 1

I'm writing this hoping some of what I feel and think goes away. I don't think it will help only saying it aloud to someone will I believe will work. But I might as well give it a shot.

I feel like a bad person. As if I've done bad. I hate myself. I'm scared of what I will do later on. I feel ashamed of everything I do and what I've done. I look over my shoulder a lot. Waiting for somebody to yell at me for something I've done. But I never know what I could have done that I would deserve being yelled at. I feel that I am not good enough. That I have to live up to EVERYBODY'S expectations for me. Sometimes I feel anger and sadness at the same time. I don't think its's the right word but when I feel this way, especially when there is more sadness, I feel depressed. I want to cry and scream but I can't.


	4. Overwhelmed

Ginny paced her bedroom floor trying to control her emotions as the rain poured outside her window. These feelings of sadness and anger were back and slowly becoming worse. Knowing that somehow crying would make her feel better she started to focus on her emotions. She imagined the feelings in her chest and began moving them up and out of her body. After some time she managed to finally cry and let all those emotions out. Stopping her pacing Ginny laid down in her bed sobbing.

That was not the end of her turmoil though. All she could think about now was that she wanted to die. Over and over again she repeated to herself that she wanted to end it. While doing this she came up with a plan for suicide. Ginny would go out to the fields around the house when most of her family was away. Once there she would cut her wrist and hopefully by the time anybody came looking for her she would be dead.

Slowly she started to think of Luna and Hermione, her two best friends, and how she would over to talk to them right now and how they would feel about all of this. At this turn of thinking she focused on how I would affect them. The two of them didn't have many friends, especially Luna. Maybe she should wait on her plan for them, they needed her. Calming down Ginny realized that she did not indeed want to die. Instead she wanted to start over from the beginning, but that's not possible.


	5. September 1st

**Author's Note: This story will take place during Order of the Phoenix. Some changes include not staying at Grimmauld place and Harry not being attacked by dementors. Any other changes should be explained within the story. Apologies in advance for any mistakes, I have not read the books in a while.**

It was finally September first and the train was to leave King's Cross station soon. However, looking around Ginny could not see Hermione, who had become a close friend to her. Figuring she were already saving a compartment on the train Harry, Ron and Ginny bid the Weasley parents good bye promising to write and stay out of trouble. Finally finding Hermione the two Weasley children and Harry were able to greet their friend after a summer apart. The train ride to Hogwarts was filled with stories of the summer and what the year would bring.

Unlike the year before the opening feast was not started with grand news of upcoming events. Instead it was quite ordinary with the exception of one Delores Umbridge. It was quite clear that she would be causing trouble at Hogwarts that year after interrupting Dumbledore to make her own speech. Now of course not all the students new exactly what she might be planning Hermione saw right through her speech. Once the feast was under way The Weasley children and Harry turned to her knowing she would tell everything she had inferenced.

Seeing this Hermione stated, "Well of course she was sent here to do the Ministry's bidding, keeping an eye on both Dumbledore and Harry. I've already started looking at the book for defense this year and I have no doubt that she will be useless."

* * *

The next day at breakfast McGonagall went around passing out schedules to her Gryffindors. Looking at their schedules the golden trio saw that they started out the day with Defense Against the Dark Arts while Ginny started with Potions.

Going down to the dungeons Ginny was not looking forward to having potions first thing in the morning. It wouldn't be so bad is she didn't have to deal with Professor Snape who had it out for all Gryffindors, although it seemed her class had it better than the fifth years, going off of what her brother has told her.

As always Professor Snape came into the room with his cloak billowing around him with an unreadable face starting the class immediately. Ginny soon found herself paired with Luna and taking out supplies for the potion they would brewing that day. Next thing Ginny knows Luna is handing her a scalpel to mince some of the ingredients. Immediately she froze staring at the scalpel and thinking about the healing cuts on her arm and how she suddenly had the urge to cut herself. Quickly getting a grip on her urge Ginny began her task.

For the rest of that day Ginny was plagued by her depression and the urge to cut. At the end of the day when the rest of her dorm mates were asleep Ginny took out her pocketknife and added a few more cuts to herself that allowed her to calm enough to fall asleep.


End file.
